What chronic illness & disability has taught me....

Inspirationboost.com

I know many people dislike the use of the word 'journey', I was also one of those people. It is often mocked, quite cliché, overused, deep and can be seen as slightly spiritual. Another part of me believes it is also important to give yourself credit for the continuous growth within any difficult, overwhelming circumstances that life may potentially throw at you. Chronic illness and disability have personally been a great example of what that word means to me. It is how I find my personal hope in something I didn't expect to occur in my life. However small that hope may seem in the grand scheme of things, it is something that I am constantly learning from.

Life really is so uncertain, sadly it usually takes unpleasant situations in life for us to truly realise how apparent this statement is. How precious health, happiness and movement within our bodies can truly be. Nobody is invincible in how life may change or evolve unexpectedly. You can't predict an illness, a disability or any unexpected event of any sort. You can only try to fathom why you have found yourself in this position. If your answer like mine, seems to be that of a specification that feels out of your hands, such as an incurable illness, then you can only try to make the best of that situation. Which I'm sure is something we all try to do, day in day out.  

Incurable illness and disability are not easy traits to be designated in life. Some people who live in similar circumstances make it look easy. Their strength can make the most content of us question our own existence within our troubles, our limits, our attitudes and our strengths. In reality, no day is easy in the slightest when you live this way. A brave face can go an incredibly long way, it does not always confirm an individuals resilience in bouncing back quickly from personal difficulties. Being chronically ill and because of this, currently disabled from a rare illness, has categorically been the most difficult, unsettling and saddest time of my life. Yet I know realistically, nothing can unnerve me as much as this process has. Nothing could feel as difficult as this process has felt over the last nine years. On the spectrum, it may not seem as difficult to what life has thrown at someone else, yet it doesn't matter because as an individual, it was difficult on a personal level none the less. I can now take that thought with me throughout my life, remembering it in every obstacle and barrier. 

Strangely, I have never wanted nor expect to be cured. I accepted that part of the package a long time ago.  A lot of people who are chronically ill or disabled will want to be cured and there is nothing wrong with that, I hope they can all individually reach that place. My focus has always been hoping that one day, my condition will be more manageable than it is currently. Ideally, I just want my life to reflect upon aspects of normality for someone of my age. I just want to be like every other young woman in this world, with the same responsibilities and commitments, something I currently feel I am missing. I also want to feel genuine happiness and confidence within my disability and illness. I do not want it to feel against me, nor to present all of the things I can't do. I do not want to see it as something I am ashamed of, something I hide often and most importantly, I really do not want these illnesses to rob me of the life I crave. I really hope that in the future, there comes a time and turning point where those who have the same incurable illnesses as myself can manage the complex symptoms and pain that arise within our everyday lives. In order for so many of us to slowly rebuild ourselves to where we want to be in life.

I find with pure ease, I am able to point out all of the challenges and hardships that being chronically ill may bring upon such a lifestyle. It takes a lot more of my energy to acknowledge the positive or beneficial aspects that an illness can in fact, bring in to your life. In the past, I would have argued there was in fact, nothing. So although I have come a long way since then, I still battle and find it incredibly hard to remain positive day to day. It is hard work all in itself and there are always low moments, down days or possibly weeks. It is not easy to force yourself to feel positive when living in constant pain or when you feel crippled with unhappiness. You are imposed with all the reasons to not feel any positivity on these occasions, which we all get. Yet if we cannot change the inevitable, we can only try to work on our attitudes towards how we cope with something that tries to take so much control within our everyday lives. If you are fortunate enough to have health in your everyday life, you only have to reflect on how you feel when you are in bed with the flu once a year. That is the reality of an everyday reflection with a disabling illness. 

From relatively young ages, so many of us have faced health misfortune that many will not experience until the latter stages of life, if at all. Being chronically ill made me feel as if I grew up overnight. Obviously, I still have a lot of growing to do as a person, we all do, however being faced with health challenges is something that forces you to become a grown up quicker than expected. Many young people will typically not experience truly growing up until their late twenties or even early thirties. I felt like I went to sleep thirteen and woke up fifty, although my joints would argue that I was in fact, ninety! It was heartbreaking to be chronically ill, a mere teen and feeling so alien in my health and lifestyle. Illness is so difficult to grasp for young people. Whether that be children, teenagers or young adults. Even adults in their forties struggle to understand what is happening to a physically young and youthful looking person.

I am learning to accept that many will never understand what it is like to be young, chronically ill and disabled whilst looking so healthy. That there will be many who question and doubt over understanding souls who offer to support and help. My diagnosis and conditions are so complex that many would think I was exaggerating or a hypochondriac. As long as I know in myself that I live this lifestyle day in day out, which is currently at a disabling state, I know that nobody came truly question my pain because only I live it. I can only hope that by informing someone who is intrigued of my illness or lifestyle, that it may help them to gain an understanding of what my current day to day life may typically involve. 

My chronic illness has allowed me to gain a perspective and depth upon the meaning of life, at a relatively young age. It has shown me what is important, what is not and what I will try my absolute hardest to make out of my life. It has proved to me even more so how to treat others, how to be more patient, how to be more understanding. Being chronically ill has inspired me to write, to communicate, to share, to trust my instincts, to help others, to use my pain as a fuel, to take my ideas and make something of them. I have hope that it can continue to prove to me so much more and help me to seek my strengths and abilities in life.

I also now have confidence in knowing I have found my people, my community, my support. Although this life may be a predominantly online world, we are lucky that in this day and age social media can have it's perks, when used safely and correctly. I created an outlet of support for myself in the form of blogging when at my most desperate. Which was the best thing I could have done in that moment. Friendships have been formed that I often feel like I would not survive today without. Doubt does not exist and connections are made through the simple action of relation.  

In a reflective way, we put our lives in the hands of time when it comes to illness and disability. Words such as incurable, chronic, long term all become symbolic when emphasising on the concept of time. Where you are unsure of how long your life has the potential to be this way. These specific words mixed with how precious time truly is, can feel more than against you. Everyone must make the most of their situation, good or bad, yet time is such an infinite thing. We want the best out of it whilst knowing that nobody is in fact promised tomorrow.

Although, time may be a healer in many circumstances, it is also the key ingredient when it comes to growing a thicker skin. Especially when presented with chronic illness or disability, where it becomes so quick to be judged, questioned or mocked. Having a thick skin, is something I have always struggled with and hope that it grows with experience and age. Any form of emotion has the ability to hit me like a ton of bricks, yet it is typically the more difficult aspects such as opinions, criticism or thoughts that tend to take the most dramatic effect on my quest for one whilst living with an unknown, chronic illness. I know ultimately, that what I have gone through because of my disabling, chronic illness is helping me to slowly but surely, grow that thick skin. It is funny how something that feels as if it is breaking you can also be having a contrast effect.

Heading into my twenties, as sad as I often feel that I have missed out on so much, I also see reflections and glimmers of hope within the longevity of having a chronic illness. This is where I can focus on growing and flourishing in my own way. Whether that be in having more confidence in using my aids in front of people, letting people know I am now disabled or even having confidence in talking about my conditions and knowing that I can't be doubted because I am the one living this way. I can continue to share my own experiences and hope it may help others, young or old or even lead to new opportunities. Most importantly, I want to start pushing myself a little more out of my comfort zone in order to achieve goals and overcome my fears. Illness and disability seem to have put a stop to confronting them, so I think that is something I need to start doing more in order to feel a bit more human.

Acceptance is a continuous thing in chronic, incurable illness. Some days are worse than others, no day is pain free yet you end up becoming your own advocate when there is only so much that medical professionals can do to help you. I am continuously learning how to handle appointments, meeting new doctors, ways in which to express my concerns and ways in which I can try to help myself and parts of my life. You are constantly adapting and most importantly, learning when you live with a condition that has the potential to deteriorate day to day.  If I lived with pain for the rest of my life, I wouldn't mind as long as I felt truly happy and content in life. I still have many worries and concerns within being chronically ill, I would be lying if I said it doesn't often make me feel embarrassed or much less of a person. I have major fear when it comes to love, rejection, support and feeling like a burden to others. Nevertheless, I hope I can take my past experiences and use them to get through each little curve ball thrown my way.

Yes opinions, doubts, questioning and lack of support can make me feel isolated, afraid, alone and unsettled. They probably always will have the ability to ignite the original fear that I often feel at my most vulnerable stages, with a disabling chronic illness. Opinions have always and will always affect me, yet really when you live with a chronic condition, we can't allow opinions to hurt us more than what our pain and lifestyle already attempts to do.

Although accepting that this has the potential to be a 'life long problem' is a pretty scary thought, with a welcoming attitude of acknowledging progression in many forms other than in improved health, it might start to be seen as small victories within your lifestyle. To know it was possible to get through things such as a bad day, an appointment, high pain levels, when it did not seem possible are things I will personally try to look towards as triumphs. My illness, my disrupted teen years and all I feel has had the potential to hurt me during this process, have also ignited many future plans in my mind that I hope to create one day in the near future.

So yes, a chronic, disabling illness has taken so much from me up until this point. Nothing can replace the sadness that it has implemented on my current state of mind, my current lifestyle or how I feel about my future. I feel weak in many ways, yet I also strangely can feel strong and it is that strength that I truly must depend on and make sustainable, throughout this journey. I have already learnt, adapted and accustomed to so much within my time of having a disabling illness. I know there is still so much more to come, yet I also hope for more uplifting and happier celebrations along the way. I hope that I will recognise that I can survive the trials and tribulations presented to me in this lifestyle, as I believe that all of you can and will too.

Hope is something we are told to never give up on...

Image - Quotesblog.net

The word hope, does not always appear with ease to the surface of the mind in someone who suffers with a chronic illness. The adversity we may face in life has the ability to make us feel more than overwhelmed, negative and at a loss. What hope? Becomes something we question every time we hit that new low, the low we didn't think was actually possible in comparison to the previous occasion. When we are in a bad place with our health, which categorically seems to be on a daily or weekly extent, the last resort we tend to look towards, is hope.

If anything, life can feel particularly hopeless. Yet deep down, we acknowledge that it is possibly the most beneficial place we need to reach in order to get us through constant, difficult circumstances day in, day out. Throughout being chronically ill since a young teen, I have often have felt like hope is tinged with a pinch of fear, sadness and concern. I know what I hope for in life, however sometimes chronic illness can make it seem like those things will be impossible. That living this way, with a chronic disabling illness will never equivalent to the life I had envisioned for myself. A life that many around me will possibly go on to have because ill health is not standing in their way. Will I ever truly mend my broken self if my pain will never be 'fixed'? Will I ever get the life of my dreams? Will I ever feel close to normal? Will I be able to build the simplest form of a social life that has been non existent for so many years? Will I find love? These emotions are something I try to consistently overcome every single day, as I'm sure many others will chronic illness also face. Reflective thoughts on life with chronic illness are strong, powerful and sometimes, it's easier to take the negative route to save yourself the heartache or possibility of 'what if'.

More often than not, I need a good reminder of where to find hope in parts of my life with chronic illness. I can feel lifeless, distant and petrified of my reality that I feel like I have failed to make the most of my current situation. All I see is the goal of where I wish to be in life. Pain is so consuming to the point where you feel like you merely exist. I decided I would compile a list of hope for when I need to look in places that might be dismissed in everyday life. 

So, how can we find hope within chronic illness of any form whether that be because of chronic pain, disability, depression or anxiety? Hope is something we are told to never give up on yet can be one the hardest paths to stumble upon without stepping off the track.

1. Hope is remembering the aspects of life that make you feel human. The ignited feelings of joy, love, warmth, excitement and gratitude. The moments in life that remind you what it's like to feel something other than the consuming feeling of your illness. There is nothing better than feeling yourself genuinely smile, when you feel like you've long forgotten how to do so. Along with dosage of fear, hope lies in the thought of reaching and attaining your life goals, ambitions and dreams. 

2. Hope is found in the strength at the end of a day from hell. A day where you felt like giving up multiple times, but didn't. A day where you couldn't think straight, but kept it together. A day where you felt like you were crumbling in despair because of your incurable illness. Hope is acknowledging that today, wasn't as bad as yesterday. 

3. Hope comes in the form of finding passion in your life. A difficult one in chronic illness which usually leaves an individual in turmoil over what they can achieve with relative ease. I have started to scale back to simplicity to build upon finding passion. Whether that be working towards a goal, your family, your love life, your hobbies. There are so many things that can bring us little aspects of hope that we don't give enough credit to. It's the simple things that can make us feel a genuine happiness inside and although during the darker days, these occasions may seem slim to none, you can eventually be proved that these moments can exist as long as you give them credit. It's those aspects you need to cling on to, to get you through. If it happens once, it always has the possibility of happening again. 

4. Hope comes in people who are willing to listen to you, be there, offer a helping hand and to let you know that you are not alone in your battle. Hope comes in the form of feeling support from communication. There is hope lying in the ability to relate to others in similar situations, in realising you are truly not the only person who feels this way. Hope can be found in physical presence, such as being hugged or putting your hand over your beating heart. 

5. When any illness or disability tells you that you become a medical term that has been forced upon you, you need to remember that this is incorrect. You are not purely your diagnosis. You are an individual character with a purpose, with so many attributes that others can see about you other than the thoughts that consume your mind and daily existence. You are a daughter, son, mother, father, sister, brother, friend. There are so many aspects of your character that are still within you, still attainable, still hopeful and incredibly personal to you. Never doubt your existence, never doubt your importance and never doubt your abilities to overcome any challenge that life throws at you because illness will always try to do that to you.

6. It seems very cliché, however every new morning gives us the possibility of a new start and potential change in our everyday lives. One day this may consist of taking back some control, re-finding our feet and slowly starting to loosen the chains that health grips us with every single day. A battle with many forms of different illnesses is never going to be an easy one, it is something you will always have to push yourself to daily limits to work with and 'control'. Life always seems to fall on the back burner and this makes us feel less entitled than the average person. It will either break us or make us. When those two options feel like the only thing you have left, I think I'd rather pick the latter. You will find the solutions, tools and abilities to get to where you need to be in your life one day and one step at a time. It may not be a fast process, it certainly will not be easy, yet it is all we can hope for in these situations.

7. Life is about progress and growing with our experiences. Your chronic, possibly incurable illnesses may feel like they are doing their absolute best to break you into shattered pieces, a shadow of your former self even. However, it is also building you up in strength, perseverance and clarity. Conquering your fears, concerns and struggles along the way. When you think of the advice you would give to someone you love who is struggling to see the hope within their life, look into the mirror and deliver it to yourself. I struggle with this myself yet am very aware of the important concept of being kinder to myself. You are worthy, you are entitled and you are deserving. You just have the believe with every fibre of your being that there will be more to life than what is consuming you today. It can't come from others believing so, it has to come from within yourself.

8. There will always be a lot of discouragement, anger and questioning within yourself. A bad day can arise many bad thoughts, it can contribute to how much you may struggle that day. However, in time it might become just as easy for us all to flip this on its head and say the same for a good day. Acknowledging positivity, hopeful thoughts, getting through each moment and appreciating them for what they truly are. They will show us that life has the ability to have it's good aspects. That life does not have to be dictated by our diseases every breathing moment. It will always be a work in progress, but that is the hope that we need to hold onto. Progressing positively, showing strength and courage to continue to fight with chronic illness. 

9. Hope is believing and knowing that you can and will push through the barriers that are caging you in at this moment in time. That there is a chance of finding the balance of living a quality of life you are content with, alongside your illness. Believing that some days, there is a possibility that you will not completely be defined or consumed by your illness or disability, that normality may eventually creep in. We find hope when we least expect it, when we don't think it's actually possible. We adapt hope to our individual circumstances and walk with it, one day at a time. 

10. Hope is the possibility of change. Everyday is a chance for life to change for the better. Believe in your strengths, believe in your talents and believe in your wisdom because they have the ability to take you far. Believe that things have the possibility to change, that you can eventually find the beauty in your life. We will all find our own avenues to reach our destination of hope. For some it will be a choice, some a fuel and for others it will be the only option to survive. Hope ultimately, comes from belief in yourself.

Don't Give Up Hope...

Life with chronic illness is what you make of it...

Image: thepositivetumblr 

When you are predominantly housebound, going out means usually going to a different hospital every other week and your idea of a 'fun night' turns into just about making it downstairs to watch a film with your pet. If it's not moving mountains for you, it probably means you are chronically ill. You feel like you have died and been replaced with pain. It becomes the clothes you wear and your unwanted shadow that unfortunately, doesn't disappear with the sunlight at the end of each day. Your body has been overtaken by an illness and left for you to pick up the pieces, yet you never really know which path to take. If you're living with persistent pain and illness, can you truly be happy? Can you live past the pain? 

Life for many with a chronic illness, never feels uplifting. It's always a continuous struggle to get through each hour. Setbacks have the forceful ability to remind you of the aspects of life you are missing out on, all too frequently. You can feel lack of triumphs, success, presence and the all important, lack of living. Life can feel not fun enough, non exciting and non adventurous for the most part. Everything you lack turns itself into a negative, which seems to be more than obvious to you on a daily basis and has a knock-on effect on your mindset.

We often can't face the risk of making our pain any worse than it already is. Pain in one small area is enough to make anyone feel miserable until the sensation lifts from their body. In life, I've heard people say how they are possibly struggling with shoulder, ankle or back pain. Pain rightly, drags the happiest of people down. Pain in your whole body, in more than one selective area, is something that makes depression arise, replaces any positive vibe and drains you of functioning correctly, in order to live. We almost instantly lose our entitlement to happiness because it's over ruled by constant and physical pain. Nobody wants to live a life like such, yet when you do it becomes your consistent robotics of existing. 

I think it's important to be aware that although many of us may be chronically ill and disabled, it doesn't  mean we are any less as entitled to happiness, joy, fun, success and love. You might feel persistent pain and illness but you are not the illness, the difference is you have an illness. You are rightly, a human who deserves the world. Happiness might be seen as having a full life. In my head, it's always been seen that way until recently. I know I have to try my hardest to make my present happy and fulfilling in order to create a happier future. I need to know I am worthy of all good qualities of life too, despite my disability and illnesses. It is an aspect I am trying hard to really drill into myself and my mindset, multiple times a day. I hope you can all reflect on that personally too. 

If you were to write on paper what your illness has taken away from you, the list would probably be incredibly long and of ease to write. Yet, in reality, your illness hasn't completely stolen everything from you. You are still human and as difficult as it will be to begin thinking of ways to help adapt your life, it's those aspects you need to emphasis, locate, focus on and attempt to make the most of in order to see some changes. That statement in the past would've had the ability to make me frustrated and convince myself that actually, I was just an incurable illness and will always see myself as just that. Now I want those words to start fuelling me. I do not want and will not allow my illness to strip me of my happiness each and every single day. I do not want it to steal my life away with the pain it provides. I also don't want that for those of you who may read this. 

I've really tried to challenge myself since early summer by asking, so how can I truly and consistently re create a happy existence when living with multiple, lifelong chronic illnesses? How do I re enter the world after feeling cut off from it all for nearly 8 years, as a chronically ill disabled young woman? It's all I want but how do I go about it? That ultimately, can only be my doing. I can take inspiration from others, I can have the want to do it but I need to find the mental strength within myself because physically, I may always be held back. That prospect, completely terrifies me. Yet I know it's the only way to progress positively in an incurable, long term illness. It's the only route I can take in aiming for positive progression and as close to 'normality' as I crave. We have so much more to give. 

Life is what you make of it, despite the cards you may have been dealt. Life isn't always fair but it is a gift. My physical pain could allow me to stay hidden away in bed for my entire life if I allowed it too, yet I know this is will not bring me joy in the long run or in my present. The present is all we have been promised and need to act upon, despite our chronic illnesses. My low confidence issues that have come along with my illness and disability could also cause me to hide away too. Yet I know that by keeping myself locked away in pain, I will never achieve any of my small goals, let alone my big ones. I know that chronic pain on a large, everyday scale, is something that I and so many other people will deal with for life. As scary as that thought is, it becomes less scary when you gradually accept it for what it is and try to act upon what you currently have and what you can do now. What can you achieve today? What can you do today for a better tomorrow? 

Many individuals who have been diagnosed with a chronic illness or disability feel like life and the world as they previously knew it, has well at truly ended. A lot of us go through that long term, grieving stage of our old self. I felt pure misery in the early years and still have my low days. Yet really, all we need is a little bit of time to rediscover what we can do, what doesn't increase pain levels too drastically and most importantly, what reignites happiness as close to as what we once knew. Living in pain will never make you happy, physical and mental suffering will not become any less apparent in your daily life. I am trying to teach myself why I loved a lot of things in the first place, before the pain became very apparent in every minute of my day. No matter how simple they may seem on the outside. 

Live for yourself, your own abilities and try not to conform to your illness or disability. It might be a life sentence in ways of long term ill health, yet it doesn't have to be on your outlook, state of mind and overall ability to try your best to be happy despite your circumstances. Your happiness should not be subjected just because you are chronically ill, disabled or housebound. You shouldn't continuely miss out on multiple aspects that may bring happiness to your life just because you have an illness. You should not give yourself more limits than what your illness has already physically, presented to you. We have a life, all be it right now, not particularly practical or functional and that's what we need to acknowledge. It's still a chance that is there to make the most of. 

My illness is incurable and has the potential to continuously deteriorate, so if I can't change my pain or my illnesses peril, I need to look towards what I can change in myself for a better tomorrow. My attitude in how I deal with my illnesses, my outlook on my present, pushing slowly past my comfort zone. When the negatives outweigh the positives, I challenge them. I might have to use a wheelchair for now, but I still have a personality that can shine past my aid. I have an illness but I'm not the illness and I shouldn't define myself by the prospect of my pain or disability. I might not be able to work full time right now, but I can study in the meantime which one day, might be useful.  My pain will never be invalid and it will always be there, just like your pain. That is something we need to accept and push through to still enjoy life and not continuously become the 'illness'. It's what I have been doing since I became ill and it's not right. 

It's fair to say that pain is holding you back because it's truly, not a lie. It's a valid reason, yet pain then continues to overrule and rob you of the existence you currently have, which you may be unaware of. Pain certainly does hold you back from many things, it is often consuming to the point of leading to limitations, unwanted isolation and inability to see hope for your present let alone your future. There are no words that can bring a person comfort who lives such a life. Quality of life becomes the all important factor when it comes to creating happiness. Yes, pain levels need to be slightly less in order to be able to create that quality of life but realising that even if you only manage one outing a week for now, tailor it to your current pain and attempt something that will make you remember you are human underneath your exterior of pain. Even if you live in chronic pain, with many illnesses and a predominantly housebound existence, there is always worth within you. Your circumstances do not define you, they are only challenges that set you up for a different path in life.

It's easy to say we doubt anyone wishes they were us, but who are we to know we are not actually inspiring someone, helping someone or have something in life that someone else wishes they had? It is always going to be easy to compare what seems like an empty, illness ridden life to a typical young lifestyle. However, everyone is fighting their own battles and everyone has personal problems that can feel overbearing. Never look too deep into a photograph, social media uploads or listen to deeply into gossip and convince yourself that others have the perfect life. After all, as children we are all taught to smile for the camera. Maybe grin and bearing it becomes everyone's shield. 

Seeking a positive mindset & outlook in chronic illness...

Image - Tumblr via Google Images

My blog focuses on personal experiences that I feel or have felt within my illness and disability, in order to give other sufferers and non sufferers an insight into this kind of life. It's also to potentially look back upon in a few years time and realise what I have learned, if I have progressed and to just remind myself of all of the topics I have spoken about, if they reoccur in my life. As much as I firmly believe in highlighting and revisiting the difficult, emotional and tough aspects that many of us find hard to speak of within illness and disability, it doesn't mean my overall aim is to reach positivity within my situation. In the most non cliché way possible, everyday can feel like a survival when you live with a chronic illness. Whether that be against your body, your mindset or against your current circumstances. Like I always say, this process has always and will always continue to teach me a lot along the way, which I am grateful for, come rain or shine.

Now I'm not the best candidate for someone who accepts or grasps positivity easily, so this isn't a preaching post by any means. Had you asked me two years ago to try and remain positive and optimistic in my situation, steam probably would have come out of my ears. I despised the words, it lacked any kind of meaning to me. On an incredibly bad day, the more someone might tell me to be positive about my situation, the more confused, angry or rebellious I feel at times. Comments like such can sometimes get my back up when I feel little meaning towards positivity, I often feel like expressing how they should try living like this and get back to me. At the end of the day, I know deep down that those delivering that comment are only trying to keep my spirits up. Allowing my circumstances to make me feel incredibly negative is only really going to hurt me on a personal and self critical level. I take a lot of convincing to often think positive about my own situations, or even look past and overcome negativity on a consistent level, but through gradual understanding of my circumstances, both personal and professional in chronic illness I have started to readjust my views.

I am notorious and so critical in myself for sometimes allowing my pain to make me think in a negative mindset. Like anyone in these circumstances, sometimes it is inevitable to stop yourself from feeling down, whilst coping with pain. My thought process can often implode and spirals to create and imagine the worst circumstances and life possible for my future in disability. Why I allow myself to get to that place, I don't know but it does happen. It seems so silly and irrational in hindsight. It's even more alarming that chronic pain can often cause an individual to feel such despair. For possibly a year now, I have been trying to adapt my attitude towards living and coping with a long term, chronic illness. I believe that is potentially going to be one of my most beneficial tools in living with a long term, incurable illness.

Once I started to realise that the most beneficial tool I had was my mind, I started to really adjust my doubts against the concept of positivity. It seemed like a case of the best things in life are free, my mind being one of those. Only I had the power to use this tool and only I, could change my general outlook on the situations, thrown my way. Within this mindset, I have my faults and weaknesses, my strengths and triumphs and also some setbacks. I personally see this process as a full circle. Every time I get back to the start, the circle slightly gets smaller by a few millimetres and I start the process again. I can have the worst couple of days and then slowly start to find my feet again. Sometimes these better mindset days can last for a day or half longer than before too. I try to sit with the collected thoughts or mood I am feeling, understand why I am potentially feeling this way and attempt to accept it for what it is, hour to hour. Sometimes, we confuse pushing away our problems with positivity. There can be some days you will be consumed by negativity because of your reality with illness and that is fine. It's not a nice feeling but we shouldn't harshly punish ourselves for feeling this way. Typically, that 'baggage' that we feel we are carrying will possibly always be around within our circumstances in illness.

I am not somebody who remains happy and uplifted with ease. However, I think that would be a different story if I was healthy. I get low more frequent than I am high. I am tough on myself more than I give myself praise. I am human and quite frankly, do not go around with a smile plastered on my face with a happy go lucky attitude aiming to be inspiring or upbeat. I think very few of us do. We are not robots programmed to remain consistent with lack of growth, change or elements to build upon our character. We all have our worries, stresses and concerns. Strangely, when it comes to others I am a cheerleader in positive thinking. Realistically, I should probably take some of my own advice at times, but we can often be our own worst enemies.

I re analyse and revisit a lot of my own struggles within illness to help raise awareness. I think it is incredibly important to continue to make others aware of all that comes when faced with the adversity of illness or disability, at any age. Yet I also want to move forward and I hope I can move forward eventually, whilst putting this mindset into practise on a daily basis. There are still many areas within my life where I still momentously lack in positivity and optimism. Like anyone, I hope to be proven wrong in the near future but some days I convince myself otherwise. These are days where I find it hard to locate hope, faith and convince myself that they just can't exist. We are all guilty of these feelings.

Some people have positivity set in motion from a young age, whereas others are advocates in believing that it is the best way to live life and force themselves to practice positivity daily. Everyone deals with their outlook on a range or scheme of things, differently. People take on different methods constantly and some are willing to be more open minded and change their thinking habits. For some, these can be hopes of their outlook of life maybe looking better in a couple of days. It's whatever suits the individual. Then there's the pessimists and optimist viewpoint. Ideally, we would all benefit from have a more optimistic viewpoint of difficult situations in life, yet the chances are, we fall into the pessimist category within circumstances we find discouraging. There are so many attributes that overall can effect taking steps towards a positive mindset. Remaining in a negative mindset can stem from so many things, including anxiety, worrying, stress and depression. It's a given that feelings of anxiety, depression or nerves are never going to be completely resolved just by having a positive mindset, but it can become a beneficial tool to help you get through the lower moments that have the possibility to arise within your situation.

Do I find it hard to find a positive in situations to do with my chronic illnesses and disability? Incredibly! Am I aware that for my own sake, I need to keep attempting this practise of thought and positive attitude? Absolutely! I think that when an illness is confirmed to be long term, you have to look towards your mentality in how you are going to cope. You can just give up, or you can try to accept the circumstances for what they are and battle through each day in the best way you can. It has become a necessity to focus on at least one aspect of positivity during my day to often get me through. On my good and bad days, whatever I feel I can't handle, perspective in any situation I face, rational thinking and any small aspect of hope within positivity is what I try to cling to and switch my focus towards. It is not always easy, yet it gets me through the day.

I had to really stop and identify my thinking habits, therefore realising just how negative I was constantly allowing myself to become through my illness. The more negative I think, the more depressed I am about my reality. These negatives arises in issues such as doubting myself before I had even tried, thinking directly of the bad rather than the good, believing something was unattainable and predicting the worse outcome of any situation. I have always been an over thinker, achiever, worrier and analyser. This can therefore make my anxiety and million times worse than what originated the positive concept towards a promising change, in the first place. It's a draining process and it makes a day feel more than miserable, pointless, unfair and bleak when faced with a disabling illness.

You only have to ask your parent, guardian or loved one how desperate they are to help you, to ease your pain and desperate for you to try any remedy, outlet or possibility of improving your health. Unfortunately, not all of these outlets of seeking help are successful. Some are short lived and others take no effect at all. I have been chronically ill for many years and my mum has spent an absolute fortune picking up help outlets, such as self help books to hypnotherapy CDs, anything to just try to help me get in a stronger mindset to cope with a life long condition, which I am so grateful for. However, sometimes it just boils down to finding the strength within yourself. 

My older cousin has fibromyalgia, and even throughout her years of diagnosis, I would be puzzled by how on earth she could still be so positive,optimistic and calm despite her obstacles within her chronic illness. My cousin to me is so brave and so beautiful within her pain, I have learnt so much from her and I am grateful we have each other to share a similar journey with. The positivity and vibe she presented to me may have possibly been a huge front on her behalf, but over time, it has made me take a leaf out of her book. At 17, I wasn't in the right head space to appreciate what she was telling me. My prejudgement of positivity was that I would never understand the concept of it within my circumstances, it didn't feel attainable and it never made sense to me. I had no self belief that it was a possible destination to reach in illness and disability. Everything felt like an incredible negative attribute to my life and one big headache. My cousin would buy me positivity books and tell me to keep my mind strong and I felt like she was sadly, in a losing battle with me. I appreciated her time, I just had no idea where she was coming from. I isolated myself even more, I locked myself away and I just grieved every day for the entire process of what my life had become. I struggled, I felt like I drowned within my life and I pushed the concept of positivity as far away as I could.

I didn't notice it instantly but something in the last year, just clicked. Now, I wouldn't say I've become a positive thinker through and through. I don't think anyone can truly live a day without having at least one negative thought. And quite frankly, we are all going to have a bad day once in a while. However, I now try to see a situation from one or two positive points of view. Sometimes, I cant find anything positive in the moment, but on analysis I can usually find something about the situation once it has passed. I waited an incredibly long time to grasp an understanding on positivity. Just to even give me more of an understanding of the concept and how I can take it forward to deal with my current situations in life. There can be days where you feel like you are breaking and other days where you just feel the smallest ounce of stability. A positive mindset becomes a choice that has to be made entirely by you. To get through each day, hour and possibly minute.

I'm not saying that I won't slip into old mindsets at certain points of the week, month or year. Some days, I ironically become the very appropriate, Negative Nancy! Dealing with a chronic illness for such a long time is starting to show me a difference in my mentality, it's eye opening how you can adapt a different attitude towards difficult circumstances. I often feel it has somewhat changed me as a person, not in my illness not in my pain levels, but in my approach of overwhelming issues within life with incurable illness. I have my down days but now I also have my better days where I have a stronger mindset  to help me cope. Which in itself, is an achievement I never thought would breakthrough for me.

It's a place I don't want to push to reach in a hurry, but I will make sure that eventually, I find a ratio where positivity is more common than negativity. There may be times where you feel this mantra has the potential to backfire, like anything in life, but I feel it will be personally better to try than to not. I think the concept of positivity has grown on me the more I accept that my illness and disability will be a long term issue to deal with. I truly admire people who keep a positive attitude within terrible situations. It's obviously not an easy task, but they prove it is possible with a bit of self belief.

Regardless of how I feel, whether that be incredibly low or clearer in my thoughts, I try with all of my might to seek perspective everyday. I have a daily battle of acknowledging that for every negative I may feel or think of, I must try to balance it out with a positive in order to gain a better perspective and clearer mindset. I realise why I am lucky compared to some, I acknowledge the thoughts that we are quick to forget (roof over my head, clothes, bed) and I think of how much worse my disability could potentially be. Realistically, I should probably start to quietly emphasise my positive days. Whether that be by noting it down on a calendar or just within myself, in order to realise it is a good progress, potentially a more frequent mindset and a step in the right direction in dealing with long term illness.

*DISCLAIMER* - The above is a collection of my own thoughts on how I personally think I can learn to live with a positive mindset. This is not professional advice nor is it suitable for everyone. It's just an expression on my own behalf.